In this part of a house rabbit's guide to training humans we look at common bad manners and lack of etiquette in humans...
Greetings, fellow house rabbits. If you live with humans for any length of time, you soon come to realise that they are large, smelly, uncouth beasts who could greatly benefit from a little instruction in etiquette and good manners from us rabbits. Here are some of the more common bad human manners and our suggestions on how to counteract them...
The human digestive system is inferior to ours and often results in an excess of gas which may emit from either end of said human. Lazy humans (as most of them are) often will not bother to leave the room to perform these necessary actions, resulting in a very offensive stench to our sensitive rabbit noses.
How to deal with it: Thump loudly and evacuate the area, or merely look at your human with an expression of pure disgust.
Unacceptable noise levels
Despite our best efforts, humans persist in being active all day, every day and often make a ridiculous amount of noise during our afternoon sleeps. This is the middle of the night for us rabbits, after all, and then they wonder why we get a tad grumpy when rudely awoken by a vacuum cleaner, loud TV or clattering dishes.
How to deal with it: Wake them up in the middle of the night and see how they like it. Top tip: gnawing on the bedframe produces both noise and vibration and is practically impossible for humans to sleep through.
Many a house rabbit has been innocently minding his/her own business when, with no warning, a human steps out of the bathroom completely naked. By rights we should have counselling to cope with the trauma of this experience. We don't know why humans don't have a decent full body covering of fur like us, and we even feel a bit sorry for them, but there is no excuse for inflicting this eyesore on us.
How to deal with it: Avoid the bathroom at all times. If you have to pass the door, look in the other direction - just in case.
Voyeurism and invasions of privacy
We're cute, we get it. We're especially cute when we're cuddling up together in a bunny love-in, we get that too. Sadly, this usually brings out the worst of bad manners in humans. Loud squealing, gasps of delight and hasty rushes to fetch the camera are bad enough. Muscling in on the action is another matter altogether - clearly, humans don't understand the concept of an 'invite only' event.
How to deal with it: Get up with a lot of huffing and puffing and withdraw to a more private area for your snuggle session.
Late bedtimes, staying out late and general rowdiness
We rabbits like to see our humans safely tucked up in bed each night, preferably before midnight, so that we can settle down and get a bit of shut-eye ourselves. After a long day of minding humans, we need our sleep. Therefore, staying out late, having a party or otherwise generally relaxing and enjoying themselves long past their decent bedtime is really rather rude and upsets our finely tuned bodyclocks.
How to deal with it: If they are under the influence, there is no point trying to reason with them. Giving them the cold shoulder the day after is far more effective, especially when combined as it usually is with a killing hangover.
Lack of attention
Yes, we saved the best (or rather, the worst) til last. Ignoring us rabbits is probably the most common lack of etiquette exhibited by humans. Even the most well-trained of them will often shamelessly take advantage of our inability to make noises to attract their attention. In fact, it is even more insulting coming from a well-trained human - they know what that ear swivel, shake of the head or nose nudge means and they still choose to ignore it. It really is the height of rudeness.
How to deal with it: Sit on their feet. Most humans find it quite hard to walk with a rabbit attached to their foot.
Good luck, fellow house rabbits and always remember - it's a bunny world, the humans just live in it!